Probably the root to all my depressions and overall weirdness, but I totally understand when you're not into that kind of shit.
AND probably some phrases of ridiculousy flawed english grammar.
For everyone else:
It's no secret I'm depressive. It's no secret that I'm a little weird and love the extra ordinary.
Overcoming depression can be an exhausting fight, some win the fight, some lose the fight, some manage it to live with this arsehole companion for the rest of their lives.
I see my depression of some kind of scumbag who moved in my brain for some reason or another, when I was 14. I once read some nice article of how it can help to dig for the roots of depression.
Writing this is therapeutic to me, so
Here I go.
to understand my actual problem I have to start at the most unpopular point: my parents.
NO it's NOT their fault that I'm depressive.
But they are guilty that I've been completely free and carefree the biggest part of my life.
They raised me EXTREMELY laissez-faire and antiauthoritarian.
That doesn't mean they didn't cared of what I am doing, they rather wanted me to THINK not to follow. They wanted me to learn from my own mistakes. They wanted me to question things. They teached me that teacher, politicans or whatever authorities are "just people" as well, just in different positions - but they also teached me that these people don't have the right to rule and decide over my entire life.
My parents used to be globetrotters, and whereever they travelled, they took me with them.
At age 9 I've seen all europe and some stuff around.
We lived for quite a few whiles in spain or france and italy. Needless to say we had some troubles with my school for my long abscence. I remember asking my dad "ain't that forbidden to stay away from school that long?" and he said "so what?" .
Don't get me wrong, they never tried to tell me that school is not important, but they told me it is most likely important within our "system".
You want a nice Job? You better learn your shit. You wanna leave the country one day and live on your own feet? Well, that's fine as well. This is your life.
And this is the important part:
This life is the only possession you got when you entered this world.
But most people learn to obey, to bow down, to function.
Most people rather care about what their neighbors think, than about their own well-being.
My grandma was really old school, so when my mom was a child she got taught the usual crap: get a job or marry a man who will work while you're looking after the children.
She was raised the absolute opposite of me. Don't make trouble!
But luckily, she turned out to be the exact opposite. She worked, she travelled, she did a lot of trouble as well :P
Well actually, I guess we both did
"It doesn't matter what people think of you. It's important what you think of yourself. Can you look in the mirror and be proud?"
Even when I was raised to decide myself if school is important or not, I made my A-levels and joined University. But but but - this road was pebbly.
Until grade 7 or 8 I couldn't care less. I was the troublemaker, I was talking back, I started discussions my teachers never won (and they hated it!!!) - and if I happened to be completely silent, I was either absent or ignoring my teachers because I concentrated on drawing.
Drawing has always been my biggest and most intense obsession. Instead of doing homework, I had big exhibitions in different cities in germany.
but - wait, this is too positive. This won't help me finding the roots of my depression.
Okay. So I was raised to be carefree.
How is that bad?
Growing up and realizing that no one else is carefree is bad. Realizing that people judge you immensely for not function the way it's "used to be", can be extremely bad.
The World was on fire when my mom left my dad to be with a woman.
That was something new for my hometown. People we didn't even know went completely nuts.
However, my mom explained to me that people use to riot against things they don't know.
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.
They will come down. They will have to deal with it.
It'll be okay.
Let me tell you, I was used to be the "weirdo" in school. But now I got some extra attention for being the one with 2 moms. fuck.
Actually, I never got massive hate from my fellow classmates - but from their parents. And ONLY from their parents. While fellow students stayed polite and asked me friendly about stuff - their parents would freak out.
No one was rioting when I shat at a restaurants stairs because I hated their aggressive dog.
No one was rioting when I beated up that one tall guy who used to bully the outsiders.
No one was rioting when I ... maybe I shouldn't bee too honest here.
But you get my point, right?
Being told by numerous angry parents how growing up with 2 woman will "mess me up" - I got angry as well. Like REALLY angry.
So angry that I just made my fucking A-levels and went to school in Tokyo - JUST BECAUSE FUCK YOU ALL.
But now let me get to the next unpopular point. This "system".
Well, I'm not like those punks who sit in the street and ask for money, because they openly refuse to work to be NOT part of the system.
But look at it this way.
You have THIS one life. This ONE and ONLY life.
You might have...uhm, let's say 85 years of life to live.
These are YOUR years. YOUR time. YOUR possession.
But then people go into a company and they're actually selling 40 years of this TIME for money.
"But you need money to live and pay rent and food!" you might say.
Well sure. Inside this very system you do.
Unless you live somewhere in the forrest and eat and berries and shit, you do.
But, do you somehow get the point?
David Firth actually made an amazing animation about this:
"Selling your years to live for much needed money so that people can buy those years to add onto their lifespan. Then, after time passes and they get older, some will just keep buying years because they're probably afraid to die and some will just sell their years for easy money and don't mind dying sooner. And, all the while, there are a bunch of crazy, old people filling up the streets, regretting selling their time, and were too lazy when they were younger to work for their money."
But looking at this big picture - I somehow think it IS what made me depressive. Realizing that, unless I want to live and shit in the wild, I will have to sell years to a company.
And when you're self-empolyed, you might not sell your time to a company, but to your clients.
So thinking of this, I thought... well? I love art. I could get self-employed and be an illustrator.
Actually I already AM an Illustrator and I get quite a couple commissions and stuff.
But is this enough? Is it "safe" ...? But wait, Freedom isn't defined by safety. Is it?
It is not that I am too lazy to work, not at all. I worked really really hard on my exhibitions, I had student jobs which were incredible tiring, yet I enjoyed them.
I think the one thing I can't wrap my head around is the idea of doing the same dumb shit for 40 years. I hate Routine. I hate doing the same fucking again. I hate being bound to contracts.
Because this kind of thing would take my freedom away.
My freedom to travel whenever I want to for example.
I don't want to live within a frame, when the whole world is an open field.
I don't want to do the same work, when there are 196 countries with billions of possibilities to earn money.
Why reduce yourself like that? While reducing your possibilities like that?
Ah.. I guess, it's pretty much the only possibility for those wo want to settle down and raise a family and shit... But I never ever would want this, this is not for me, this would be my personal nightmare.
So how to use this shitload of options?
Maybe this makes me so restless. Seeing a way out, but being unable to figure out how to reach all this.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll buy a VW Van one day, travel the world and do some tiny jobs wherever I go, to pay petrol and food.
And most of you will shake your heads and say "oh fuck it, that'd be way too much stress for me".
And I accept that. But for me, this would be amazing, this would be freedom.
I imagine waking up in a new City every other week, in a new country every other month, looking at a new horizon - every single day.
Maybe, one day, I'll find someone to join me.
Maybe, one day, I'll have the chance to make this dream come true.
And deep inside me, I feel, that this kind of freedom could end all my inner struggles.
This is my one and only life, I decide to spend every second of it how I feel it is right.
Because what I fear the most is being old, and realizing that all my dreams were unfullfilled. Realize, that all these hard years of work were holding me from doing what I love.
I decide that my life will remain an adventure, an absolutley amazing time, with amazing experiences and with amazing friends.
This is what I decide for MY life.