Mittwoch, 30. Dezember 2015

Freedom is NOT defined by Safety

WARNING: long weird thoughts about freedom, our fucked up system and my life.
Probably the root to all my depressions and overall weirdness, but I totally understand when you're not into that kind of shit.
AND probably some phrases of ridiculousy flawed english grammar.

For everyone else:

It's no secret I'm depressive. It's no secret that I'm a little weird and love the extra ordinary.

Overcoming depression can be an exhausting fight, some win the fight, some lose the fight, some manage it to live with this arsehole companion for the rest of their lives.

I see my depression of some kind of scumbag who moved in my brain for some reason or another, when I was 14. I once read some nice article of how it can help to dig for the roots of depression.

Writing this is therapeutic to me, so
Here I go.

to understand my actual problem I have to start at the most unpopular point: my parents.
NO it's NOT their fault that I'm depressive.
But they are guilty that I've been completely free and carefree the biggest part of my life.
They raised me EXTREMELY laissez-faire and antiauthoritarian.
That doesn't mean they didn't cared of what I am doing, they rather wanted me to THINK not to follow. They wanted me to learn from my own mistakes. They wanted me to question things. They teached me that teacher, politicans or whatever authorities are "just people" as well, just in different positions - but they also teached me that these people don't have the right to rule and decide over my entire life.

My parents used to be globetrotters, and whereever they travelled, they took me with them.
At age 9 I've seen all europe and some stuff around.
We lived for quite a few whiles in spain or france and italy. Needless to say we had some troubles with my school for my long abscence. I remember asking my dad "ain't that forbidden to stay away from school that long?" and he said "so what?" .
Don't get me wrong, they never tried to tell me that school is not important, but they told me it is most likely important within our "system".
You want a nice Job? You better learn your shit. You wanna leave the country one day and live on your own feet? Well, that's fine as well. This is your life.
And this is the important part: 
This life is the only possession you got when you entered this world.
But most people learn to obey, to bow down, to function.
Most people rather care about what their neighbors think, than about their own well-being.

My grandma was really old school, so when my mom was a child she got taught the usual crap: get a job or marry a man who will work while you're looking after the children.
She was raised the absolute opposite of me. Don't make trouble!

But luckily, she turned out to be the exact opposite. She worked, she travelled, she did a lot of trouble as well :P

Well actually, I guess we both did

"It doesn't matter what people think of you. It's important what you think of yourself. Can you look in the mirror and be proud?"

Even when I was raised to decide myself if school is important or not, I made my A-levels and joined University. But but but - this road was pebbly.

Until grade 7 or 8 I couldn't care less. I was the troublemaker, I was talking back, I started discussions my teachers never won (and they hated it!!!) - and if I happened to be completely silent, I was either absent or ignoring my teachers because I concentrated on drawing.

Drawing has always been my biggest and most intense obsession. Instead of doing homework, I had big exhibitions in different cities in germany.

but - wait, this is too positive. This won't help me finding the roots of my depression.

Okay. So I was raised to be carefree.

How is that bad?
Growing up and realizing that no one else is carefree is bad. Realizing that people judge you immensely for not function the way it's "used to be", can be extremely bad.
The World was on fire when my mom left my dad to be with a woman.
That was something new for my hometown. People we didn't even know went completely nuts.

However, my mom explained to me that people use to riot against things they don't know.

It'll be okay.
It'll be okay.

They will come down. They will have to deal with it.

It'll be okay.

Let me tell you, I was used to be the "weirdo" in school. But now I got some extra attention for being the one with 2 moms. fuck.

Actually, I never got massive hate from my fellow classmates - but from their parents. And ONLY from their parents. While fellow students stayed polite and asked me friendly about stuff - their parents would freak out.

No one was rioting when I shat at a restaurants stairs because I hated their aggressive dog.
No one was rioting when I beated up that one tall guy who used to bully the outsiders.
No one was rioting when I  ... maybe I shouldn't bee too honest here.

But you get my point, right?

Being told by numerous angry parents how growing up with 2 woman will "mess me up" - I got angry as well. Like REALLY angry.
So angry that I just made my fucking A-levels and went to school in Tokyo - JUST BECAUSE FUCK YOU ALL.

But now let me get to the next unpopular point. This "system".

Well, I'm not like those punks who sit in the street and ask for money, because they openly refuse to work to be NOT part of the system.

But look at it this way.

You have THIS one life. This ONE and ONLY life.
You might have...uhm, let's say 85 years of life to live.
These are YOUR years. YOUR time. YOUR possession.
But then people go into a company and they're actually selling 40 years of this TIME for money.
"But you need money to live and pay rent and food!" you might say.
Well sure. Inside this very system you do.
Unless you live somewhere in the forrest and eat and berries and shit, you do.
But, do you somehow get the point?

David Firth actually made an amazing animation about this:

"Selling your years to live for much needed money so that people can buy those years to add onto their lifespan. Then, after time passes and they get older, some will just keep buying years because they're probably afraid to die and some will just sell their years for easy money and don't mind dying sooner. And, all the while, there are a bunch of crazy, old people filling up the streets, regretting selling their time, and were too lazy when they were younger to work for their money."

But looking at this big picture - I somehow think it IS what made me depressive. Realizing that, unless I want to live and shit in the wild, I will have to sell years to a company.

And when you're self-empolyed, you might not sell your time to a company, but to your clients.

So thinking of this, I thought... well? I love art. I could get self-employed and be an illustrator.
Actually I already AM an Illustrator and I get quite a couple commissions and stuff.
But is this enough? Is it "safe" ...? But wait, Freedom isn't defined by safety. Is it?

It is not that I am too lazy to work, not at all. I worked really really hard on my exhibitions, I had student jobs which were incredible tiring, yet I enjoyed them.

I think the one thing I can't wrap my head around is the idea of doing the same dumb shit for 40 years. I hate Routine. I hate doing the same fucking again. I hate being bound to contracts.
Because this kind of thing would take my freedom away.
My freedom to travel whenever I want to for example.
I don't want to live within a frame, when the whole world is an open field.
I don't want to do the same work, when there are 196 countries with billions of possibilities to earn money.
Why reduce yourself like that? While reducing your possibilities like that?
Ah.. I guess, it's pretty much the only possibility for those wo want to settle down and raise a family and shit... But I never ever would want this, this is not for me, this would be my personal nightmare.
So how to use this shitload of options?

Maybe this makes me so restless. Seeing a way out, but being unable to figure out how to reach all this.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll buy a VW Van one day, travel the world and do some tiny jobs wherever I go, to pay petrol and food.

And most of you will shake your heads and say "oh fuck it, that'd be way too much stress for me".
And I accept that. But for me, this would be amazing, this would be freedom.
I imagine waking up in a new City every other week, in a new country every other month, looking at a new horizon - every single day.
Maybe, one day, I'll find someone to join me.
Maybe, one day, I'll have the chance to make this dream come true.

And deep inside me, I feel, that this kind of freedom could end all my inner struggles.
This is my one and only life, I decide to spend every second of it how I feel it is right.

Because what I fear the most is being old, and realizing that all my dreams were unfullfilled. Realize, that all these hard years of work were holding me from doing what I love.

I decide that my life will remain an adventure, an absolutley amazing time, with amazing experiences and with amazing friends.

This is what I decide for MY life.


  1. Wow, I'm really touched ... as I was raised by my mom quite antiauthoritarian as well and have been the strange outsider all my (school) life I can relate to many things you mentioned in this blog - despite that I wish for my future to be the exact opposite. XD
    I like routine, it gives me the feeling of safety, I'm a creature of habit and afraid of changes.
    But principally this most important thing remains: to do your best to make your life how YOU want it primary and after that you can think what others might want.
    Everyone should bring that to mind now and then.
    Because you're so right - we have only one life.

    1. haha interesting how the similar way of raising can have so different results :)
      Of course, I am far from claiming my idea of living wild and free is the only right way to live. Everyone should live just as HE/SHE feels good with it. As for me, routine makes me depressive and I get that weird feeling of wasting my time. But maybe this is just my nature while I simply grew up travelling and moving a lot haha ^^
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, I hope you'll find your ultimate happiness in life <3

  2. Well, I feel similar to Bright Eyes. I need some routine and some safety in my life or I'd go nuts. I'm scared of changes too. And I need a certain amount of dollars, yen, euros or whatever each month to pay my rent, my food, care for my animals. I don't want to end up under a bridge cuz I'm not able to pay rent, electricity or something else. And when I grow older, I'd probably need a doctor sometimes.

    But... about ten years ago I wrote a text very similar to your blog entry. My dream was to live a free life, to travel the world, just to do whatever the fuck I like. But years later I noticed that for me is no freedom without some safety in my life. Perhaps you'll find a way to live your dream, but I think it would be very difficult.

    1. Well, I know a couple people who live like that. I'll just join them later on. As I said, routine makes me extremely depressive, I'm not used to it. Within my Childhood I moved 18 times, I lived in so many countries already - I refuse to settle down and give up what makes me feel truly alive.
      I'll rather burn out than fade away.

      But then again, that is just what I'll plan for my life and I am aware this is not for everyone. But I always lived like that and I'll plan to continue.

  3. Perhaps routine makes you depressive because then you have too much time to brood about shit? Some people who don't want to settle down and always are restless are trying to flee from something. Are you happy and pleased with yourself? Or do you feel an inner emptiness and you try to fill it up with action? Or is just your way of life? Then it'll be good if your dream come true.

    1. nah, I do like quiet time. When I lived in New Zealand I used to go down the beach and sit there for hours just staring in the sky and thinking about stuff. As I said, I just grew up as that. I am an adventurer at heart, there is so much to explore and so many interesting people to find :) travelling and being wild and free makes me truly happy and alive. I don't need much money, I never wanted a family or kids. I always yearned for art, adventures and freedoms. This is pretty much my way of life.

  4. That sounds good! But even if you're an adventurer I think one day you'll settle down - that doesn't mean to have a family or kids (I know a lot of women living alone with their cats, dogs or other animals). To settle down also means to have a place that's yours, a warm and cosy place where you feel good, a place whereto you can go back after a journey.

    I could live that wild and free life only if I were rich - then I could travel whereever I want without any sorrows or problems. To be poor is the worst experience I made, it's just disgusting. And if you are sick it even sucks more... So sometimes I'm afraid my time will expire and I haven't seen all the places I wanted to see - only because of the lack of money.

    1. But this , This is the only fear I have: waking up old and thinking "shit". Time flies by, we do not have an emergeny-life in our backpack in case everything went wrong. You have no guarantee that nothing will ever to you or your house or your family. Money can't fix everything. Money can't fix the regret of "I never reached my dreams".
      How sad and scary must it be to get old and realize that you never did what you always wished to do while you were young.
      If I ever settle down, I wanna do it with a smile. Knowing, time has never been wasted. Knowing, I wasn't corrupted by a system - I've been free and incredible happy. This is what I am going to live for.

  5. Dieser Kommentar wurde vom Autor entfernt.

  6. You are right, there are no guarantees in life. But I think, money can fix almost everything. When I look back at the problems I had in my life (and beware, I had a lot), I can say that money could fix a 99% of them. Even if you are sick, money can help a lot, for example for better treatments or in the case of a friend of mine for a journey to another country to consult a specialist. And money helps too, if you are heartbroken - I experienced that! My heart was broken and then I said "well, fuck you, idiot, now I'll travel to China". I did it and it helped me to survive the pain, but I only could do it because I had the money. And if you have money and everything goes wrong?! So what, you can take the next plane to fly home.... if you have a home. Perhaps if I wanna live a year in Japan, I have to quit my job, get rid of my furniture, give up my appartment. Then I go to Japan, have a nice time there, when the year is over I come back and don't have anything. No job, no home, not even a pillow where to lay my head down to sleep.

    I think only people who always had enough money (or people who helped them out like a safety net) can say, that money can't fix everything. I lived on the poor side of life for a while and it was the worst time of my entire life.

    I wish you the very best for your life!

    1. Nope, I highly disagree with a lot here. What you describe is not SOLVING problems, it's fleeing from problems. You wanna fly away when your bf is an asshole? Sure, fly away, but this won't solve that your bf is an asshole, you'll come back and face the same problems you had before.
      Money can NOT fix anything, at all.
      Half my family died from termonal cancer, there was nothing any doctor could do but waiting for their near dad. How could money fix that? The love of my life left me - how could money fix that? I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was 18, this is uncurable, how could money fix this?
      Lets say you have a car crash tomorrow (god forbid!) and you depend on a wheelchair, which will lead to you losing your job, you husband leaves as well because he can't handle the stress. How could money fix that?
      It's really naive to believe money can fix every horrible situation you ever face in life. Sure, you can go on a plane, but as a said - this is simply fleeing. not fixing.

      Also, if YOU go away for a year and sell your furnitur, quit your job, etc - you are talking about YOUR life. When I go away for a year, there's nothing I have to do - just go. I only do sidejobs, I have hardly any money because I life in a studentsflat. That's it. When I come back, I'll take the next sidejob and get the next room.
      There are people who never targeted YOUR lifestyle to begin with - that means they do not have the same boundaries to begin with.

      Trust me, I've been poor before. My mom left my dad and we had literally nothing. I had to steal food and clothes because my mom was so busy with her 3 badly-paid-jobs that I had to take care for my own, when I was 11.
      Would money have helped us? Sure!
      But would it have healed my dads broken heart over night? Nope.
      Would it have ended the harrassment of my classmates? Probably not. Well, maybe, if I buy them all ipads haha.

      There are a billion ways to live a life and no one is obligated to build a house, marry and get a job at the same place for next 40 years.
      I lived in spain, italy, new zealand, tokyo and france and trust me... there are amazing ways to live :) And those people I met, with the most money and the biggest houses were the ones who were the unhappiest.

      best wishes

    2. This is an incredible reading my Jenny and it surely took a lot of yourself to write it.

      Our idea of safety has always been built around home, money and family. This has been like this for a long time, back to the very first time of christianity which wanted to create a society involving submission and natality.

      First let's talk about Christianity and it's basic life rules which are :
      -Men goes with women. Period.
      -Have kids. You must have kids. It's your duty. Your purpose.
      -You're here to work for your sins. So work again and again.
      -Build a family. Family is the core of your existence.
      -Find a place to live. Stay among humanity where you belong.

      And of course other statements like « obey » and « don't rebel ». God itself says it « if you're not with me, you're against me ».

      Basicaly it involves putting your destiny, your hopes, your dreams and your life into the hand of somebody forcing you to love and fear him. If you don't, you're doomed. This rings a bell to me. Doesn't it sound like dictatorship ? Despotism ? Where is the freedom here when actualy you're told : get in the cage and repeart « I'm free ? ». It's not freedom. And it's not safety either. We're made to believe that being safe means following rules in society. But is it real safety ? When are we supposed to be safe if we have to be blackmailed like this ? Never. We're not safe. We're just « ok » according to society standards. And these are these standards which are ruling the world actualy. The very same standards based on those afordmentionned. You have to stay with the horde of peoples and do like them to ensure your success. If you don't do it, you're an outcast, a fucking leper.

      Standards rules, what are they ? Well in my personal experiences, these rules are :
      -Get a girl/a guy and marry as soon as possible.
      -Get a child. Get more if you can. But YOU HAVE to have kids.
      -Get a stable job and a lot of money. Don't be poor and in that case keep it for yourself!
      -Get a house. Don't live at your parents and don't go traveling. Home is where you're supposed to live.
      -Do show your success to the others. You have to show your pride. You have to make less lucky people jealous. Find your place in the pyramid, the highest one if possible.
      -Get everything we tell you to get, say what we say, listen to what we listen, watch what we do what, think like we do think.

    3. Yes this is the way society considers safety. It's not about being able to live. It's aso about showing yourself to the other peoples. You don't live to yourself, you live through the other ones ! You wake up every morning fearing that people might hate you and because of it you feel the need to do exactly as they do. I'm different for a lot of people have have been judged for it by some : I don't and never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never got my own house (beside my student's flat), I'm still living at my mother's place, I'm not going out every nights in a nightbox to dance like a loony and drink and smoke, I don't like watching TV when people are like « I can't live without TV), I don't give a fuck about celebrities while conversations are a lot about them, I don't give a fuck about « appearing with great classy clothes ». And for all these things I'm an alien. I get things like « you're living at your mum's place ? MOMMY BOY !! want a lollipop ? ». Or « what you're still playing video games ? Are you a kid of what ? ». Or « why don't you drink and smoke ? It's part of life pleasures ! ». I even got something like « How does it feel to not been part of common peoples ? ».

      Yes this is what you get for being « different ». You're looked at as getting out of a museum. All in name of the so-called « safety ». You almost scare people. First they judge you. And because you don't do like them they despise you. Then they tend to go away from you, to isolate you and in the end they forget you.

      This is the basic of discrimination. On a social basis. You're outcast because you don't live like the other do.

      And all this fear it based on a sole thing : money. Money is life. Money is god. Without money you're nothing and die. Because one day, some jerk decided to go like « why not give a value to things ? ». And since them the things we are supposed to have BY NATURE are PAID ! Without money you can EAT, you can't DRINK, you can't HAVE A HOME, you can't leave. And that threat has been lasting for millenars now. We're not a society of freedom or safety. We're in a society where we shake money at the head of common people to convince them it's the only way they can live. So we spend our live to gather a lot of it just because we can't live without it. And when we have enough it's too late : we're too old already or too tired to think about our dreams. This is how this society is crushing real dreams and entertaining with other ones so that you stay in the bunch.

      But money can't fix everything. What if there's another planet like ours but without any money and any human kind on it. Let's suppose you're sent there. Are we going to tax fruits and water here ? No. We're going like : let's eat and drink for free ! Deep in ourselves we know that money is a curse., a cancer. If we had the choice to be incredibly rich or have no money but get everything naturaly, I'm sure we'd never take the money solution.

      Common people tend to think that live differently is an act of idioty. It's stupid. It's dangerous. It's scary. It's weird. It's unatural. No. It's just saying « Fuck it, I'd rather live like I want rather than live like the other want ». Living differently requires courage ! Living by the bunch requires to give up ! It's better to live in the wild and die happy than living in the bunch but spending your life thinking « if only I did that » or « if only I tried ».

  7. I really like this blog entry and... I'm really the opposite of you:
    I always wanted to have such a life with travelling a lot, live in Tokyo, maybe living there longer, etc.
    But as for me that won't work. I'm not made for this. I reached my limits in this fucking system quite a time ago and finally find a way to adapt but to live it MY WAY. (I was a breakdown if it comes to health... no depression but pure burnout and psychosomatic issues for three years in a row up until now) - I'm still recovering)
    And after all the stress, the breakdowns and everything else I just want to have a normal life, a good normal 5 days per week job, free weekends, no 40 working hours per week but 30, having a secure home, having a marriage, a family.
    Of course I want to travel a lot, want to see the world, but just for holidays, nothing more.
    I've calmed down so much and I felt much better right now.
    I was raised with a lot of freedom and my mother and also my grandmother were hard workers as women - they didn't have the opinion that a woman only needs to marry and raise the children.
    I should do what I want.
    But they also had safe homes.
    Settle down was an important issue for them I couldn't understand right after graduation - that felt too odd.
    I live in this system, yes, but as I said: only that much I have to. I don't want to give that fuck too much power over me.
    People call me lazy because I want to LIVE and not only WORK.
    People call me crazy because I just say FUCK YOU to most people.
    So what?
    It's my life.

    And that's what I like about you here... it's your life, you decide how it will turn. You decide whether to go somewhere or not - because you can!

    It's only sad that we always have to remind people that EVERYONE is fighting his or her own demons... you suffer from illness and the fight against depression is like the tide: high and low.
    Just because you travel, see the world, do a lot of funny things don't mean that you don't have to deal with troubles.

    But you still stay true to yourself,to your heart.
    That's what I see here.
    If I'm wrong, please correct me.

    1. Thank you for your comment :) it is perfectly fine to wish a family, marry and settle down - absolutley nothing wrong with that. As long as you DO think about what is good for YOU, you're doing it right.
      And I think it's totally reasonable to work less hours after such an burnout attack. I know people who suffered the same, and this is hella scary!
      No one should work until they get sick from it. That's not the point of work.

      So, yes. I am just trying to describe what I discovered for MYSELF. I am not trying to convince people to follow me, just explaining my point of view. What is good for me, can be hell for someone else.
      Regarding depression, I just noticed that my depression is the lowest as soon as I hit the road, but getting higher as longer as I am "stuck" somewhere.
      I'm still figuring out.

      In the end we just want the same: being happy in life!

      I'm sure you'll recieve this, since your actually DO thinking about your path in life. There are many people who seem to hardly ever do so.

      All the best

  8. Okay Jenny, just tell me one thing: how do you manage to live in Germany with a side job?? The money you earn (it's about 300 to 400 Euros a month, right?) covers only the rent and health insurance. So what about food, electricity, public transport, clothes (you are a lolita, so brand clothes too!), internet, mobile phone only to talk about the basic things. If it were possible to live of a sidejob, nobody would work more than 10 hours a week (me included)! Though I don't want to live in a shoebox again, I'm an adult person and I need my personal space, no shared bathroom + kitchen and 49 filthy peasants around like in a student dorm... but I'd like to know how one can live in a country like Germany with so little money!

    I agree with your post!

    1. hahaha, awww that's cute really.
      I'm living in a pretty small city, living here isn't expensive in the first place.
      My side job brings me 450 a month, and because I live in a students flat (we are 5 awesome people and I hate living alone, it's kinda boring. I have my own room if I need my quiet time) I hardly pay 200. Where is electricity, internet etc ALL inclusive.
      Because I'm a student, my health insurance is freakn low. Food isn't expensive either. Also I partly work as an illustrator, so that brings always some extra money :)

      "no shared bathroom + kitchen and 49 filthy peasants around like in a student dorm"

      Uhm... have you ever been to a students flat? Look they diverent in your country? We don't share bedrooms, and - I beg you pardon, but we're no "filthy peasants" either. We are 5 students, we are clean, our flat is HUGE, our rooms are pretty big as well and we have 2 bathrooms. We share nothing but out also-big kitchen.

      As for Lolita, I haven't bought brand in a long time. I could, but I rather save money for travelling. The dresses I own are quite old or I swapped them. If I want a new dress, I sell an old one. It's so fucking easy.

      Apart from that, read @DeusEx comment, I think he put it quite perfectly.

      I never heard of a "rule" like "adult people HAVE TO live this and that way.
      Could I have my own flat? easy. Do I want one. Nah.
      Am I happy the way I live. Yes. Why? Because I just live the Life that I chose for MYSELF.

      You can judge about me as much as you want - but I won't bow to society norms or excuse for being a happy-as-fuck person.